Why I don't want a mothers day gift
First let me start by saying happy mothers day to all of my fellow moms.
Mothers are special and amazing and I am blessed to know some of the very best. You are the most selfless and strong people around.
That being said, i have decided to share with you all my personal feelings on Mothers Day.
one:
This is yet another in the plethora of propaganda fueled holidays designed to ultimately create a revenue stream for the retail giants of the world.. like halloween and easter, they have some real nice history and meaning behind them but have been largely blown out of proportion.
Two:
There is secret club of sorts to which i belong. but its not really a secret in the sense that no one knows about it, but that no one really talks about it or acknowledges it . The group to which i am referring to is the mothers who will likely never hear happy mothers day , or receive a hand made gift, will never get burnt toast and awful coffee in bed from their kids and who will likely not ever be able to "sleep in" either. We are the mothers of kids who are medically complicated, special needs, or even the mothers of angel babies. This day is not always easy and its not always happy. for all of my fellow special moms you guys are game changers and warriors. never forget it.
For me this year I'm okay. but that not to say next year i won't be an absolute mess. i cried a little bit when i woke up today at 5 am, after an awful nights rest, waking up several times to adjust sophia in her new bed. I cried for no real reason, i just have to let the disappointment run through me and get it over with for the day. Every time a holiday like this comes up special needs mothers kind of have the band aid we put over ourselves ripped off for changing or something.. it hurts all over again. The diagnosis, the truth of the future, what you thought your life would be.... it all goes running through your mind. Then you see all the cute stuff your friends received from their children online.. and your sad... then your angry with yourself for being sad about something so DUMB and so inevitable ... EVERY YEAR this crap comes up... but still every year i need that moment to feel that pain and to be angry and to mourn for the life i had imagined... then move on.. and thats exactly what i do . i let myself be heartbroken for a few.. then i pull it together brush it off and keep it moving.. because at the end of the day, when i real thought about it . I don't even want a mothers day gift. I'm not crying because i didn't get some construction paper mess that ill have to keep track of for the next ten years..
when it comes down to it i have been blessed with the most amazing gift any person could ever be lucky enough to get. not only was i sent the gift of a child. a precious soul to nurture and raise. but i was sent a very rare soul one of whom god created with great focus. She was created to bring people together and show the world what love can do.
i have been privileged to create a bond so deep that we do not require words. Her and I we are like a magnetic force. i move everything in my life to match her position . always. she senses me on a level even i do not understand. She knows when i am near her without having to see or hear me.
The way that her eyes light up when i come into her field of vision, the way that she smiles and kicks her legs. The exact twist of her hands and raise of her arms lets me know that she is anticipating my touch. When i do grab her up into my arms, she buries her face deep in my chest in such an innocent and exhausted way that i know she feels at home.
The gift i have been given for mothers day is the gift of her trust, the gift or her love. The privilege of being her safe harbor in this storm of a world.
because without a shadow of a doubt has this little girl changed me. She shattered me, broke me down to my barest, and she has made me feel more inadequate then any other living human ever could. what a gift that is. to be literally torn into pieces. its really like dying alive. thats the best way i can describe what it feel like. but being able to come out on the other side. reborn a stronger more aware version of myself. what a gift.
in the middle of the night when she rolls over and puts her hand on my face. it could wake me from a dead sleep. that feeling of her palm on my skin is so rare, being that she is so defensive to touch.. she rarely touches anything open palmed. what a gift.
or when she's not feeling well, the way she clings to me with such desperation like i am the only thing in the world that makes in okay. what a gift.
The way she will look me dead in my eye and smile that beautiful smile that lets me know she wants to play a game. what a gift.
The fact that i was told she would never talk. and she yells AMMA to get my attention at least 5 times a day. The fact that she can communicate her desire for my time. what a gift.
When we are in therapy and sophia is unsure of a new experience. my touch can make all the difference in her success in her task.. being what she needs to learn and grow. what a gift.
Being able to walk a path so untouched, so challenging, so beautiful, so fulfilling. what a gift.
at the end of the day. This little girl gives me so much. everyday. simply by being here and allowing me to love her. she gives me everything. she is the 20lbs that anchors my soul. and everything I am and everything i will ever be i owe to her.
So im okay not getting a mothers day gift, ever... i really am.. her trust and love and the opportunity she affords me to grow.
is priceless.
-happy mothers day to you all
krystal
