That time I flipped out (x3) : then gave in.

One thousand five hundred and eigthy ......

Is roughly how many days i've been doing this Special needs mom gig.

Is roughly the number of mornings I have not slept past 6 am

Thirty seven thousand nine hundred and twenty ....

Is the number of hours I have spent feeding, praying, fighting for, crying, soothing, nurturing, enduring.

two million two hundred seventy five thousand twoo hundred ....

Is the number of minutes I have spent researching and advocating.

Is the number of minuets I have spent batteling, reassuring and loving.

Is the number of minutes I have spent truly decoding my childs behavior on a level that transcends typical communication.

1,580.....

Is the number of days I have poored every ounce of my concious efforts into becoming THE authiority on Sophia Soto.....

Four Years and Four Months =

365 x 4 = 1460

30 x 4 = 120

1460 + 120= 1,580

Typically speaking: anyone else could devote that many days in exchange for money and effort to become a fully trained "expert" on nearly anything.. Our society as a whole accepts that you are now a " trained professional" with a degree in whatever area you paid to memorize facts about.

I am in no way trying to talk down on educational accomplishment or investment because school is always a smart choice and education is a great investment. I mearly hope to paint a picture on what is deemed as " training" to make you a "qualified professional " in a field.

money and time make you a qualified professional evidently ...

blood, sweat, tears and time, that makes you a mother and nothing more ....

Or at least thats what I am told.... repeatedly.

that becuse someone traded time and money for knowledge they are more qualified to make decisions in regaurd to my daughters emotional well being....

To put this polietly: I am not inclined to agree...

Since last june I have totally flipped my shit at THREE different meetings in regaurd to an issue I have with a change in sophias schedule...

I have sat in front of multiple people with very expensive " expertise" in the area of special education... which of course makes them an expert on my child with a disease so rare that if we got every child effected on the entire planet.... we could fit them on ONE school bus with room to spare....

But of course, a degree in special education means that your knowledge is vast and deep and you are the foreseer of all outcomes and my meager 1580 days of full frontal experience with Sophia makes me a silly emotionally driven mother who has an overactive sence of self and is clearly to unstable to have any REAL knowledge about this child in question.......

This is the real truth of what every special needs parent will face at some point or another.

and if you manage to never encouter this : PLEASE tell me how...

Now heres the part where being a really good person, with the capability to process information unbiasedly kind of sucks...

I know none of these people are bad, or incapable.

I know these people have valuable experience and knowledge that I do not have.

I know they are good at their jobs .

I know we had an amazing school year last year and that I have mostly the same players on my team this year.

I know im a MamaBear who will always try to protect her child as much as possible..

but also,....

I am smart enough to know when to admit i've acted improperly.

I am smart enough to know the professional relationships matter.

I am smart enough to know that these people wouldnt have paid THOUSANDS to be qualified in a field that is generally not known for financial compensation and fame .

There is a reason I am not divuldging details of the actual incedent like I normally would have.. Because I came to a very important realization and I felt ashamed at my emotionally driven approch at handeling a situation that should have been refocused right from the beggining...

because even as a team all thier degrees and all my experience still could never add up to make either us the ones with the most weight and the biggest voice..

Because the one person who matters the most is the one with no way to use her voice.

and shame on me for not allowing Sophia to make her own choices,

for me not giving her a chance to SHOW us how she felt.

Ive been sick with anger and worry about this issue all summer for.... NOTHING.....

Ive allowed it to make me nervous and sad and angry about a school year that we worked very hard to prepare for last year. It made me lose faith in a system I KNOW is one of the best around. and worst of all...

I allowed it to let me forget that sophia HAS TO be allowed to show us how SHE feels.

Shes growing.

Shes changing.

Shes more ready and capable then I ever give her credit for.

Its taken me 27 yrs ( 9,855 days ) to come to admitwhen im wrong.

In four years ( 1,460 days) sophia proven to be the strongest soul I'll ever know.

Time. Money. Degrees. Experience. Its all relative...

and truely irrelivent where sophias concernd.

Everyday shes becoming more of whos she's ment to be.

Now I have to swallow my fear, step back and watch her blossom .

Because, she, moreso then anyone I know, deserves that chance.

I refuse to let minor fixable details cloud the sunny school days ahead.

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