A word from the "Lost and Found" moms..

Truth be told.

I have two real, good, friends.. That's it. Two.

I have loads of acquaintances, loads of online mom friends.

Two people who I can call or text on a bad day, Two people who know when "I'm okay" is actually code for "I'm drowning thanks for asking"...

Any mom, typical or special needs, will tell you having kids is the FASTEST way to tell who your real friends are. Suddenly people get so busy they can't bother to pick up your calls, or they "didn't get your text" five times in a row. Some people just can't understand the ways a little person changes a parents priorities. Suddenly staying home with takeout and diaper duty is more appealing then Friday nights out on the town. Most moms go through a transition process of accepting that these people still care for them, but just don't know how to be a part of their life anymore. Friendships grow distant, until they are reduced to nothing more then social media likes and comments keeping you connected.

When your child is born with special needs this process becomes even more severe and obvious. At first people visit, want to hold the baby, some even bring gifts. People still call just to say "Hi" and "How are things" but that only lasts so long. Once the delays kick in, and at 10 months the baby is still spitting up and drooling and doesn't make eye contact people start to pull away. They hope you won't notice, but you do. You try to explain to them that the baby is seeing doctors, that there are delays and diagnoses that your working on getting. They awkwardly attempt to reassure you and then change the subject. Maybe its fear, Maybe its discomfort, Maybe its plain old ignorance... But they stop calling to say hi, they stop asking to hold the baby, stop trying to interact with the baby. Most stop visiting all together.

Its not just friends that act this way either, sometimes it's family too. That hurts the most.

I mean I get it. I don't live in some bubble. Some people just can't relate, Some people are genuinely busy. But I think for the vast majority they are just uncomfortable. Disability makes some people uncomfortable, its the plain truth. As a parent and a person stuck in between the worlds of typical development and the very special word of your child it can feel a bit like you've been tossed in the lost and found bin. You know where you belong, but its almost as if the world is not quite sure anymore...

Thankfully someone special will come along and recognize you. They will look past the spit up, past the diagnosis, past the fog and they will grab your hand and pull you up and out to the part of the world where you now belong. I promoise there will be the tried and true individuals who see you on the battlefield for your child and toss on a helmet before running out to battle along side of you. Thank God for those people. They will check in on you, they will visit when they can, they will text you encouragemnt when they know you have a big day coming up. They will bring you nice hand-me-downs from their kids, and they will bring meals without you having to ask for the help. They will talk to you about their problems. Which you will find to be a wildly refreshing change of pace from always discussing your own. Its nice to be reminded that other people have struggles too.

They will make plans with you knowing you'll likely have to cancel or reschedule and when you can actually make it out of the house, they will offer to hold the baby while you juggle adaptive gear and the bags of things your child needs just to be comfortable outside the house. They will invite you to birthday parties and quietly ask if they can bring you a plate of food knowing you can't just leave your child to go get one. They will talk to your child knowing that lack of eye contact does NOT mean they don't hear or feel that love coming to them. They will just GET IT. They will make you feel like a part of the world again.

For every ten people who don't get it. There will be maybe ONE who does. But these people are so special, and so true that it makes you see that you and your family are better off without the "friends" and "aunts" and "uncles" who just bailed out of your child's life when things got hard. They will be like becons of hope to you. They will become your life rafts and your guideposts while you navigate the storms of life for your child. But most impotently they will be there, wine in hand, when your able to stop fighting for a moment. They will help bring you back to the side of the world that holds the easy things and they won't be afraid to ask you " How are you, really..?" knowing that your answer might be messy and hard.

These people and the connections they provide are so vital to the experience of special needs parents. They are what keep us from being completely sucked in to the black hole of despair that can completely consume a special needs parent without the support they so truly need.

So I just wanted to write this to say thank you to my true two. The people who can weather my storm and who never hesitate to remind me to take it easy when I'm being hard on myself. The people who ask how sophia's doing. The people who rejoice in her smile the same way that I do. I don't know that i'll ever be able to repay them for what they do for me. But I just wanted to say thank you for pulling me from the lost and found bin, brushing me off and showing my my own value again.

I love you ladies with all my heart.

You are my guideposts.