The hardest part of addition.

At night I lay sophia in bed and I could watch her inhale and exhale forever, but eventually I have to pull myself away and go tidy up the house after a long day of motherhood. Normally I flutter about the house collecting bibs and dinner bowls.. wiping tables and counters. While in the kitchen out of the corner of my eye I usually catch a glimpse of my apron, the one I don't ever wear. It stays tucked in a closet, right next to the mini sized matching one I bought as a set while I was huge and hopeful and pregnant with sophia. Long before I knew she would not be able to help me make cookies, or pancakes or warm apples..

Ive tried to wear the apron, lord knows I need it ( I'm not the cleanest cook ). But I just can't bring myself to put it on.. Its one of the stupid things I can't stand, but I can't get rid of either. Sometimes when I have been cooking i'll push sophia up to the counter in her chair and she will keep me company while I work. A few times, on good days, just for fun I've pulled out the little apron that should have been hers and i'll drape it over her. Pretending she's my little helper. Mine says " drama queen" hers reads " little miss drama" .. they fit our personalities well . haha.

Aside from the few days I've been in good humor, the aprons both sit in a dark closet where I don't see them often. Its a small thing, but I LOVE to cook. I had SO MANY visions of us learning to crack eggs and wisk batter that may or may not ever be part of our story. Thats just one of a number of things I had to let go of in order to accept that I was the mother of a profoundly disabled child. In order to become the advocate I am for her I had to put away a lot of things that weighed heavy on my heart, and put who SHE IS first. But its important you all know there is a closet in my heart where I hold hundreds of broken dreams, days worth of tears and heartbreak over the life I had imagined I would live.

My unwavering and unconditional love for her, just as she is, will never change. But MY DREAMS and MY LOVE FOR HER are not the same thing. One does not take away from the other. They co-exist in my heart and in my head. They are like two sides of a coin. It took me a long time to realize I could acknowledge them both.

" Do you guys think you will ever have more kids? "

" Your such great parents, would you try again?"

These questions hit my heart like hot pokers when sophia was a baby, I was so overwhelmed and unsure of what was going on with her that having more children seemed like an absolute impossibility. But over time I would entertain people saying " Maybe when she's like five, and we have a better idea as to what we've got going on." always followed by a nervous laugh.

I wish I could say there was a big moment of revelation where I decided I wanted more kids. But it wasn't really like that.. It was more like a sun rising in my heart of hearts. Slowly bringing to light the possibility of trying again. Trying to make the dreams I thought would always be forever locked away actually come true. I know so many other special needs mothers who also have typical children. The relationship their children have warmed my heart. But I was, and still am, afraid of repeating the past. Once you have a child with a complex disability you become acutely aware of just how many things could go wrong while a child is developing. You realize what an amazing marvel a healthy child really is. I just kept asking myself ..

Is the a gamble your willing to take?

Are you sure your mom enough for this..?

The more I considered it the more I wanted it. So I brought up the idea to sophia's father. Who was immediately receptive to the idea. He said he's been wanting a friend for sophia for a long time. Someone she can grow up with, someone who can look out for her when she gets older. When I asked my mother if she thought I could do it she told me I can do anything I put my mind to. She reminded me that I have delt with and overcome more then most people do over the course of a lifetime. That I am clearly capable enough to raise another child.

But for almost two years I still wasn't ready. I couldn't overcome my fear of somehow being 'not enough' for the job. I couldn't come to terms with the possibility that I could have a healthy child. I couldn't accept the possibility of potentially having another disabled child. No matter how I flipped it in my head I found more fear. Anyone close to me was likely going bonkers listening to me babble about the pros and cons of expanding our family.

It wasn't until sophia was enrolled in preschool that things became clear for me. I watched as she went from a closed fearful child to a little girl who enjoyed the company of her peers. I watched as the kids poured out their care and concern for her. It filled a place in my heart that I had accepted would always feel empty. Watching her be included as a part of something more not only fulfilled parts of my life but HERS also. It occurred to me then that it wasn't about me, or my fear. It had always been about what SHE needs. A partner, a friend. Someone who could help her relate to the world through the eyes of a child. Thats something I just simply cannot do for her myself. I can however give her that gift, give her someone who can.

After hours of reflection I made the choice that I was as ready as I would ever be. One day after having the conversation for the thousandth time my mom said " if your waiting for a neon sign that says the time is now.. its never going to happen... You will never feel ready, you can never really be ready for something like this. You might as well just do it, now is as good a time as any..".

She was so right, I was waiting for a non existent neon sign.

One night after sophia was in bed I sat outside and had a conversation with the universe. I asked for the blessing of a healthy child, I asked for strength and courage to overcome my fear. I made a promise to love any child I received just as fiercely as I did my first. I made a mental commitment to myself and my family. I was ready.

Like any modern woman I downloaded an ovulation tracker on my phone, and we got to work! Two months later, three days before christmas we discovered that god and the universe had selected the new soul I was responsible for bringing earth side... We couldn't have asked for a better gift, or a better sign that my prayers had been heard and answered.

This was the first in a series of posts I will be publishing regarding our journey expanding our family. Thank you for reading and stay tuned for more to come .