791 Stitches
Sophia's three month well baby exam came around, I was one hundred percent breast feeding and Sophia was still an all around "typical"child. She was begining to fall behind in weight and head circumference but nothing alarming just yet. Sophia failed the hearing test again(which was no surprise) on the right side and I was given the information to see audiology at Connecticut children's medical center (Ccmc). This is the first in MANY medical referrals I will receive. I was so annoyed ! Silly right, in retrospect I laugh at myself, being irritated by ONE single appointment. Poor nieve little me......Meanwhile ,I have a 3month old baby girl and have just returned to work from my extended maternity leave.( I stopped working at 8 months, being on my feet 6 to 8 hours a day was impossible. My fiancé picked up an extra job so I could be home longer) In my absence new hires were made and I was simply not happy there anymore. Being a new mom made me want to be able to provide a stable future for my daughter. So one night after work Luis and I get to talking and make the choice that I am going to start school. I will go at night while he is at work and Sophia is sleeping in my mothers care.That's right : 3 month old baby, full time job and full time student ..... Again in retrospect I laugh.. Because this was the smartest/hardest/craziest thing I'd ever decided to do. I choose a medical assisting program offered at a local vocational institute. I figured the medical field is a pretty guaranteed job. I had no idea at the time that by the time I finished school I will have spent so much time in hospitals and with doctors that if I never see one again it will be too soon. (My life is heavily laced with irony. u can laugh, I certainly do)The major thing I want to convey about this period of our lives it that it is the last time I remember before things got so messy. I guess you could say this is the last point in time I can remember that we were "normal" or that sophia wasn't behind or diagnosed. She was still a precious baby girl who could grow up to be anything she wanted.I still pictured us frosting cookies and hanging Christmas decorations. I still day dreamt of Luis chasing Sophia at the park, bribing her for little sweet kisses. In my mind i pictured all the things pregnant moms thought about, prom, manicures, play dates, shopping for cloths and teaching her how to wear mascara .My nights weren't yet full of concern and worry that the daylight always seems to keep away . It's honestly a hard thing for me to dwell on. I don't often reminisce about Sophia's early months of life simly because it hurts to much to think about. I can't handle the thoughts of when we were still so full of nieve joy. Once you accept that certain things are just not a part of your life it's easier to move on from them. So the less I think about it, the easier it is to move on through today. It seems to me like things must happen for a reason. Because a week or so after I made the choice to go back to go back to school I was put in an uncomftorble position at work and I choose ( with Luis' encouragement) to resign from my position. I planned on looking for another job, really I did, I swear! But Sophia had her audiology appointment coming up and I wanted a week or so of down time. Kinda a calm before the storm . That weekend before her hearing test was the last time in my life I ever had REAL hope that my baby would grow up and lead a normal life, hell it's the last time remember feeling like ANYTHING in my life was normal.And that was 791 days ago ( two years and two months.... Not that I'm counting , seriously I don't but I just did the math) . Thats 791 mornings that I have woken up feeling like I'm living in some awful freaky Friday spinoff . 791 days that I have had to dig deep and find a reason to smile. Each day gets better, it never really gets easier. Time doesn't fix everything , no matter what everyone says it just doesn't .791 stitches later.... My heart is still broken.K* ( sorry if I knew how to add a photo of bitty baby Sophia I would, it's my second day ill get it )
