We are not that different
Okay guys, I really am so sorry, I wanted to be able to post everyday until I got you guys caught up to present day. but being full time special needs mom and having a full time job has proven to be a bt much and leaves me with little time to be able to make a solid entry everyday. This story is just too important to me to mess up or half ass. So im sorry if I have left you hanging or if maybe you are loosing interest.As things continued to progress I started school at night from 5:45 to 10:00 pm four nights a week. I had two classes twice a week. It was definitely an adjustment. I had tests and homework every week multiple times a week. This program is no joke. They dropped me head first into the medical world. I have a solid education behind me having graduated from high school in the accelerated graduation program. I also went to school to be a massage therapist ( that's another story) I have always pushed myself to do my best academically an I didn't plan to be lax now because I had a child.So each day during naptime and any time I could get in between appointments with Sophia's pediatrician weekly to check on her weight, and her audiologist once every other week or so and her teacher for the hearing impaired who was coming to my house once a week... I was very busy. ( on top of cooking and cleaning and being an adult) It was definitely an adjustment for me. However one thing became very clear , very fast. I could be a working mommy or I could be an educated mommy but I was not going to be able to pull off being a working educated mommy. there just were not enough hours in the day. So I was most definitely going to be a stay at home mom for the next year and some change while I finish my program.This was going to be a new adjustment for me. Knowing for sure I wasn't going to work for up to and over a year ( I JUST started working again last week.. so it was two years and a few months that I stayed home)I was excited to be able to spend that much time with my daughter. especially seeing as how she needed me so much. I have had a job ever since I was old enough to be able to earn a paycheck. I am a hard worker by nature. Its part of my backwoods upbringing. It was just engrained in me . you work long and hard to make your way in the world, I NEVER expected anyone else to handle my issues. So staying home and handing over all financial earning power to my fiancé was a very hard thing for me to do. Don't get me wrong I trusted him to the ends of the earth, hes always busted his ass to give me everything I need. Never has a day gone by since ive meet him when I have been left in need of something. He has provided for us entirely. But he is only one person. He also wants to be home with his family, I am not going to expect him to work 3 jobs so that I can sit home either...So I had to develop some new goals. A new structure and purpose to my days other then just studying. i had a few appointments a week, class four nights a week and a whole lot of nothing in between. So i began to look into what was available for help to us. YES i DO mean STATE ASSISTANCE.. there i said it. ive put the welfare bomb on the table. i wanted to know what i had to do in order to get the help that I DAMNED WELL DESERVED... im not one person on food stamps because im too lazy to work, or a mom of 17 kids who has each and every one on state and whos rent is 45 bucks... Im a young mother who had a child with a responsible plan in place. A person who was totally self reliant up until i found out my daughter was going to have to struggle and fight for her health each day. My plans were tossed into oncoming traffic the day i had my baby. there is ABSOLUTLY NO SHAME in my game at all. I was going to do what ever little bit that i could to help out something on my table and to make sure i have a car that drives me and Sophia to and from her appointments. go ahead judge away.. i couldn't care less if you think less of me because of it. I have always and always will make the best of every bad situation and exhaust every option available to me if need be.So i began looking into everything, section 8, health insurance, food stamps, wic, income based housing, social security disability , cash assistance.. and my head was swimming for days as i tried to figure out what we were eligible for. Section 8 is so exhausted and the lines are so long that the state had pretty much frozen all lists until further notice, income based housing is all so ghetto that i wouldn't live there or such a joke that if i had that kind of income i would never look for state help.. it was frustrating but rent, was obviously something we would have to figure out on ur own.. WIC was a joke and a half, i ried to go a few time after i had Sophia. even though i was breast feeding. Every little bit counts. It was ok at first, a blow to the ego but when it come down to the line you do what the fuck has to be done to get it done. again judge away if that makes you feel better.. but after going a handful of time i had to stop. they just didn't seem to get the concept of sophias weigt issues or that it was being addressed.. i was always being given backhanded advice like" well be sure to eat enough cause you don't want to be trying to make yourself thinner and have that effect your milk" because u have to see a nutritionist each time you go to an appointment there.by my last appointment i was one deep breath away from exploding " bitch im damn near 200 lbs, i just had a baby 5 months ago, im not trying to be a damned swimsuit model.. the girl eats like a fucking piglet, she just wont gain weight!!!" it was stressfull, and made me feel like i was less. id go to the store early in the day when i used my WIC checks because you never want to run into anyone you know when your paying with them. Don't ask me why it made me feel dirty, it just did. now i look back and see how foolish it was. and if i ever need them again ill use them with pride because i pay taxes always have, so does sophias father, so does my mother, my sister, my friends.. and as far as im concerned all of them wouldn't mind helping us out, so that's what the system is designed for. I did end up qualifying for snap(foodstamps) and health insurance for the three of us. which is a huge relief, considering the insurance we had previously had costed us almost a quarter o luis' check each week. The husky health program is the only reason my daughter has been able to receive the caliber of care that she so desperately needs. I am forever grateful to the state of Connecticut and each and every person who grumbles about their taxes taken out of their check. Each on of you makes that possible for her. I really do realize that. Im sure her medical costs to date must be in the tens of thousands....I also figured out that because of her hearing loss Sophia might qualify for social security disability. The whole process was scary and long al SOOOOOOOOOOO involved.. I started to compile research on the application process and the never ending information that was needed. it was gong to take some time, but i was determined to get her EVERYTHING that was available to her at any cost. If i was being cornered into not working then damn it i was going to find some way to provide for her every need.You may be wondering why i decided to talk about this of al things.. something so personal as my money. well its as easy as this. i don't have any shame on how i am making this all work. this shit is not easy.. just think of your own financial life at 25.. now take away half of your monthly income.. what do you pay, what gets cut off?? can you still do your nails and eyebrows? how much gas money is left? o shit, sallys birthday is next week can you afford to buy her a gift? and you almost forgot, your friends all go out to dinner once a month, do you have 50 bucks to spend that wastefully? ....im sure 89 percent of you would be just as fucked as i was. I had just enough to cover the essentials like rent and my car expenses.. but things like food money and disposable income.. gone.. i had to do something.. i was dropped off in a tornado with my "life plan" and had to make it work.Its also the reason why when so many people would be going out and doing this or that and maybe invited me and i said i couldn't or maybe you just stopped bothering to try because im never available.. most often it wasn't that i didn't have time.. it was probably because i didn't have the cash.. Being a special needs parent is hard as hell, not one part of your day goes by without extra effort. But being a part of the "normal world" almost becomes harder too. Its like EVERYTHING in my life is so impossibly hard and so intense and so deep that im not sure how to relate to people anymore.. I don't have light conversation topics.. i don't have time to watch realty tv or the news so i cant keep up with current events either.Not to mention being able to maintain a relationship through all of this stress about sophias health, and money , and my new classes. its enough to test ANY relationship..im proud of the way we heald it together under pressure. i plan to dedicate a whole blog just to my amazing man and our relationship. im very proud of us. we have had every reason to go our separate ways. Instead we keep an open honest relationship and friendship. This is all part of the underbelly of this story. The stuff i consider to be "secret" or "dirty". Am i proud and happy about it, no. but am i ashamed of it? absolutely not. and sometimes silence is the same as support. So being so quite about my mans to making ends meet started as just me keeping my business private but ended up being silent encouragement for the few who are lucky enough to be able to support their families without help, yet still go out of their way to talk shit on social medial about "WELFARE MOMS" well news flash bitches... some of us welfare moms used to look just like you.. so be careful how quickly you judge because you are one single unfortunate turn of events away from being me. So nest time you judge a mom of a screaming kid who's in her pajamas at Wal-Mart, or you see some tired looking pregnant girl with her wic checks in line.. don't roll your eyes or avoid them , don't go out of your way to make a show of how inconvenienced you are by their sad sorry little lives.. just remember.. your job, your husband , your health ... any day at any point in time one of them or all of them could be taken from you.. and then how many months would it take before you were in line next to those very same people who you used to look down on.Not everyone is a deadbeat, some of us try harder in one day then others will all month.. don't be so quick to judge ... thanks for taking to time to read my story. i love you all for sharing this with me...-Krystal-
